Meeeeeellenial Time, Baby

So between scrambling to find living situations* and bouncing between “what the fuck did I just do” and “love is a fake game promoted by insecurities and a false sense of loneliness” – I’ve decided I am going to take the gut feeling I have in stride.

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*Shout out to Nic, KT, and Fi for being the best friends/family I could ever ask for. Thank you from the bottom of my cold black heart.

Seeing that this was my first relationship (of substance) and therefore my first break up, I did not know how to properly deal with my emotions and/or lack there of. So, I did what any clueless meeeellenial would do and just straight up Googled “how to break up with someone you live with.” Once the hard part was done, I couldn’t quite tell if I was in shock or I had emotionally distanced myself so far that I was simply just… okay. As the days pass, I begin to understand that I truly am so far detached from my emotions that I  do not know how to go about feeling sad, relieved, broken, stressed and above all else – happy – without completely secluding myself in order to understand said feelings. SO, I again, turned to trusty old Google. Google is brilliant but I can’t confidently say had I thought long and hard, I wouldn’t have reached most of these conclusions myself…

1. There is literally an app to help you “get over your ex in 30 days”

Woof what does that even mean…………??? So many questions. I think I’ve been out of the game for too long – it’s like waking up in another country. I’m downloading Rx Breakup* as we speak. Ugh, who am I?

*After browsing the app for maybe 20 seconds, I’ve made the executive decision to delete that ish. The app is for spineless little jelly-fish. Grow up, kids. Use Google, we’re meeeeellenials for God’s sake.

2. You’re supposed to “cut off all ties” with said ex.

Apparently that’s supposed to be, like, rule number one. Not sure how that applies to individuals who lived together but… sounds good to me!! Avoidance, avoidance, avoidance. Sounds healthy.

Just kidding, don’t worry loyal fans, I am working on cutting ties because this is the only thing I’m good at. He, on the other hand, isn’t making this easy. I.e., I’m constantly deleting “wyd tn” texts.

3. Nothing (AND I MEAN NOTHING) hurts more than falling in love with a pair of shoes and then realizing they are $700.

Perspective, Bella, it’s all about perspective. Kick up your online shopping so you can be sad about objects instead of people!!! Goodbye paycheck and hello buying non-household items. REMINDER to myself: stay the fuck out of Target Home & HomeGoods. It’s for the best. You don’t even have a home rn, bish.

4. Stay away from the music (and other things) that remind you of said significant other.

Note taken… no Chance The Rapper, Drake, Gucci Mane, or Ja Rule. Got it. Nothing heals a broken heart like listening to Michael Buble on repeat until you’re numb inside (would highly suggest “On an Evening in Roma” for major Lizzie McGuire flashbacks)gipshy

5. Social media use should be sparse

Quite frankly, I don’t really understand this because I spent the last 2 years with the kid. I don’t wanna check up on him via social media!! Confused. Is this advice for the breaker or breakee? Are there different methods of healing for both? Ugh, complex shit right here.

6. Distract yourself by focusing on you

Don’t have to ask me twice!! Bottomless drunch? I’m in. Twice. Attempt to move into a house with 3 men from craigslist? Fail! But apparently I “sound great” and he would “love to take me out sometime” – sorry bucko, too soon. Moving in with my college best friends until I figure out other living circumstances? Triple down. Rehoboth Beach for a day? SEE YA SUNDAY BISHES.

7. Be honest with yourself and in moments of clarity, write it down for moments of…. non-clarity?

WIN. I’ve been doing this for months… almost a year. I’m not sure if at the time it was healthy or not but… I’ve been weighing pros and cons of my own relationship for a long time. Does that not scream THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN A LONG TIME AGO, or what? I’ve never struggled with being honest with myself so… thx for the support internet.

8. Visualize the future you want for yourself

My vision of my future has always been me and my dog………..ugh why am I like this???

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9. Humor can only get you so far, at some point you have to buck up and deal with your emotions as they come.

I’m working on this.

*internally reminds self to feel emotions* *rolls eyes*

10. “Get out there”

I think this should probably be paired with “know when you’re ready” because the thought of “getting out there” literally makes me want to vomit. BUT, rekindling past friendships and leaning on your support system sounds a lot like “getting out there” to me so, I think I’m in good shape.

There were plenty of other notes of advice but a lot of it didn’t apply to me. I guess there isn’t much literature and advice for the person who initiates the break-up. Doesn’t necessarily make much sense to me…. and implies that the person who chose to walk away isn’t hurt. Quite frankly, this was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Seeing someone that you love hurt, because of something you did – is truly heartbreaking. Especially when you spent the last ___ years putting that said person before you and trying your best to do what is best for them. 2 years of doing what is best for someone else makes for a really conflicted feeling when you know what is best for them is for you to walk away.

With that being said, I am really excited. I think my excitement is making it hard for me to come to terms with my other feelings but, I’m 23 years old (almost) and I miss thinking of myself first. I’m sure there are people out there saying “why the fuck were you putting that other person before yourself” and all I have to say to that is… it was my choice. My mother was extremely giving while I was growing up – her mind, body, and soul was on the table for the people she loved. Despite my mother and father getting a divorce, their love continued to overcome many obstacles. They knew that their lives weren’t meant to be spent together but that their love was the all powerful. That kind of love is all I know. And I don’t think that it is bad or unhealthy, but when it’s taken advantage of – then there is a problem. My hope is to one day find someone willing to match my dedication. BUT there will be a time and a place when I have plenty of people to put before myself and right now is just not that time. Taking applications for emotionally unavailable and appropriately distracting.

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xoxo,

b

 

 

 

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